Life as a human isn't a walk in the park. It's filled with challenges, conflicts, and obstacles that we must navigate. But with the right approach, we can tackle them without causing unnecessary pain. Lately, our lives have been riddled with conflicts, and it's safe to say we're becoming experts at handling them.
The youngest Avery is a real firebrand with a strong personality. A few months back, she got involved in a heated fight at the nearby park with four other kids, all under the age of 10. It wasn't surprising, as she's drawn to drama and loves a good scuffle. When she came home with tales of the incident and some injuries, I made sure she was okay and then approached the situation curiously rather than angrily, asking, "What was your contribution to the fight?" After all, fights aren't one-sided, and she chose to get involved instead of walking away.
She narrated a story of playful interactions turning into aggressive behavior, and she admitted her role in it. She regretted that things went too far, resulting in injuries for the youngest kids, including herself. However, she recognized it was wrong and wanted to do things differently next time. We comforted her and discussed conflict resolution and the power of words over fists. We taught her how to apologize, mend friendships, and learn from her mistakes. Throughout this process, we remained compassionate and curious, avoiding judgment and shame. It turned out to be a valuable learning experience for all of us.
Different families approached the situation differently. One family decided to involve the police, causing us all to sit down with our individual children to give statements about their friends, neighbors, and schoolmates. While we were saddened by their choice, we explained to our kids the importance of being responsible community members and not fearing the police, as this was just a typical childhood fight with no arrests involved. We assured our kiddo that we'd stand by her no matter what.
Unfortunately, some parents labeled the two biggest kids involved as "bullies," demonstrating our culture's tendency to judge and assign blame without considering growth and community building. In our home, we avoid name-calling and labeling, opting for multiple chances at grace and redemption for both children and adults. The human experience is messy and full of conflict potential, but we strive to learn and grow by not attaching ourselves too much to such negativity.
Months have passed, and while we've moved on, one family is still in pain, constantly revisiting the incident and projecting fear onto us through angry text messages. But our response remains one of compassion and non-violence. We emphasize that our child is eager to reconcile and seek friendship rather than enemies. Sadly, because we are forgiving to people they don't like and a child they fear, they no longer want to be our friends. Yet, we stay focused on healing and connection, not allowing conflict to define us.
Should 'bullies' (who are really just people in pain, projecting pain onto others) attack any of us in the Avery home, we will defend ourselves. However, we won't perpetuate the pain any further than necessary. We can't control the conflicts that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them. In our home, we believe in giving second chances, understanding that children are not to be vilified, and valuing sincere apologies.
To grow through conflict, we must invest in our healing and support the healing of those around us. It's not about being passive and accepting anything that comes our way. Instead, it's about moving away from the things that hinder us—judgment, fear, unaccountability, derision, and shame. We teach our children to explore different approaches to problem-solving and being adults who exemplify forgiveness and getting along. Ultimately, forgiveness is for ourselves to attain true peace.
May you and your loved ones encounter the least amount of conflict in life, but when it does inevitably happen, I wish you growth and learning through those experiences.
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